I'm missing something...... Maybe organized religion could keep me happy for awhile at least. Some structure, guidelines to follow, something to believe in....or a cause to hide behind. Mostly, I'd like to see if I CAN believe or whether I am too dead inside already. And a part of me would love to believe in the bigger picture, the grand scheme of things. Might make things seem a little bit more worthwhile, give the meaninglessness of it all a bit of meaning.

Everyone has their own understanding and their own concept of God and faith. And so do I. But it's easy to accomodate things to your own perspective and make them easy for yourself, and that's what people generally tend to do. Me included, as I'm an extremely headonistic personality and I'd begrudge having to give up any of my "vices" for a greater cause than the here and now, the instant gratification. But I dont know...I want to see if I can believe in God "by the rules". Whether I can find faith within me strong enough to make me not adapt religion to my life, but rather adapt my life to religion. Whether this makes any sense, I dont know.

And another thing though.... praying..... I can't seem to pull it off. The mormon guys keep telling me to pray, and I do think about it and want to do it but then it becomes this whole blown up deal to me and I can't seem to strip myself of any inhibitions I might have and just do it.
I think I may lack sincereity or something, but you may as well ask me to go to a restaurant naked. I just feel awkward, and can't bring myself to sit down in my room where it's quiet and just address somebody and start talking into thin air. Firstly, I have no idea what to say.....and secondly, I have it in my head that God would probably laugh if I were to start praying . Also, if I were to do it I'd probably end up being totally pretentious about it and start lying...put up some front of the dedicated, spiritual person...the searching child coming towards the savior. I'd end up sharing The Grand Poser title with Sisi. And I dont think that would exactly help my whole afterlife situation? I mean, maybe if I can't do it honestly and sincerely, I'm better off not trying? I don't know.
And like...where do I aim this dialogue.... am I talking to the walls or the seiling.... I'd always have it in my head that a mere mortal could overhear and were that to happen I'd be mortified and deny the whole thing ever happened. I'd rather admit that I had been talking to my toenails. At least that's talking to something that's THERE, be it an inanimate object. Maybe if I got one of those toy telephones I could talk into that and pretend God was on the other end. If people can both pray into thin air or even in their heads, then surely, a phone receiver wouldn't be a problem. Or maybe I could just broadcast it on here. I wonder if God has internet access...hmm....

And then the mormon missionaries that have been coming here gave me this mormon bible right, and we read from it. And it's so disappointing that I could just as well be reading out of the phone book. But maybe people who have never read scriptures in their life and never had organized religion as a part of their "world", pretty much, maybe those people can't respond to it. I get the feeling you already have to be a believer to have it do anything for ya, so to speak. But so, where do I start? I mean, where does it begin? And yeah, it comes from within or whatever.... but what if there is nothing inside of you, and the whole point is to try to awaken what moldy remains of a "soul" you might have, then what do you do?

So maybe it's like I cant find religion, religion finds me. But that just pisses me off, because I dont think religion is looking for me at all.