Well. It has certainly been awhile, my sweethearts. And, much to everyone's surprise I'm sure (as it was my own) a lot has happened. It has been months of changes and surprises, to say the least. You see, I have this ex. He is evil. A fact I willingly overlooked for a long time due to my incessant need to sit around and cry for hours at a time and feel sorry for myself. Oh, he left me. He was my one true love. Woe is me and Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? That sort of thing. It ended between us when he left this twilight zone of an island for the sunny shores of Florida. This year, waddayaknow, he comes back home. Yippie yay. Ain't life grand? We immediately get back together and start doing the horizontal hula hop. Then some time later me and a dear friend by the name of Regan, packed our bags and ventured over to Denmark to stroll around the streets of Copenhagen for 10 days. It has to be said in the plainest terms, we had a hella time. Made some friends from Tunisia, China and The Faraoe Islands ... although the Danes somehow slipped through our fingers entirely. The bastards are born under lucky stars, I tell ya. We drank way too much beer and spent way too much money as we walked for Iceland around the city. So obviously, everything was how a damn trip overseas should be. I had an arabian guy completely infatuated with me over there, which worked well for us as being driven home every night in a sports car saved us valuable cab money that we used to buy more beer to feed our already inflated bellies. The only dark cloud hvoering above the memory of this trip is of the day we came back home. Being crammed into an airplane the size of your average can of catfood, flown out of a lovely country like Denmark only to ender the muddy skies above my own sweet motherland and then landing in the wasteland that is the airport, looking out the window and seeing absolutely nothing but dead grass and grey skies as far as the eye could see. Upon coming home, I naturally went and crawled right into bed with my beloved maconismyabsurdname.com. It was a few weeks before he graciously brought to my attention that despite all my loveliness, our tryst would have to come to a full stop right then and there due to an unfortunate case of "I shouldn't be having sex until I'm married or at least until I find the person I want to settle down with. And I haven't met her yet". Notice the "her" in there? That's right. Those words were not coming out of my mouth, the ever faithful mormon that I am. This was the penis holder in the relationship speaking. So let me just say this and be done with it: FUCKIN OUCH! I would also like it to be known that this catastrophe was brought to me courtesy of a dress wearing man we all know and love as Jesus Christ. The mack daddy of the crucifix, yo. The fly pimp daddy of the skies, yo. The illest and the realest mofo to ever walk on water. In other words, the BANE OF MY FUCKIN EXISTANCE. I should have known that religion would once again put a big ass-shaped dent into my life. That there would be a bigass sandal shaped footprint on my forehead courtesy of JC, Daddy and The Spook. That's what you get for fucking with mormons. Let this be a warning to you. I hauled ass to church the following Sunday with ten pounds of dynamite taped to my person, but unfortunately the wick wouldn't light. Figures! The bastards are always one step ahead....