Well, my dear readers. As you well know I have nothing but your very best interest at heart, physical as well as spiritual. I have through scientific methods like you have never seen before created a horoscope like no other. This horoscope is not to be taken lightly but to be interpreted and believed in like it were gospel, and most importantly it is supposed to be read, you bunch of lazy ingrates!
Aries (March 21st - April 19th)
You decide to go out and say goodbye to whatever final remains of the winter's snow you may find and rekindle old memories of youthful tomfoolery. You'll make one snowman after the other and then hang off the back of the schoolbus, not stopping for anything until you're laying in bed with a bad case of pneumonia.
Taurus (April 20th - May 20th)
At the beginning of next week you will gain an unbelievable amount of money. You have big plans for the cash but as is common with millionaires, you will go insane and lose yourself in endless plastic surgery. Lucky numbers are 16 - 39 - 12 - 18 - 23 and the bonus number is 7.
Gemini (May 21st - June 20th)
The week ahead is dark and dreary and there seems to be no end to the disaster that will be showered upon you. On the bright side however, things couldn't possibly get any worse.
Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd)
You will meet the love of your life around the middle of next week, but unfortunately it's not of the opposite sex. Be careful not to fall for overused cliches about love. Love may be blind but society isn't. Prepare to be ostracized!
Leo (July 23rd - August 22nd)
Your friend decides to surprise you and takes you to Argentina where you two dance countless nights away dancing a passionate tango underneath a bloodred south american sky. The highlight of your trip however is when you are unexpectedly made president of the country, holding your position for a total of 20 minutes.
Virgo (August 23rd - September 22nd)
You begin preperations for a new christmas album this week which you plan to release. You team up with Kenny G and he assists you in recording rather pitiful versions of famous christmas jingles. Happy birthday Jesus, hope you like crap!
Libra (September 23rd - October 22nd)
Next week will be a week of uncontrollable passions in your life and your friends will fall prey to your animal instincts. The last straw is when you get caught red handed tearing your clothes off in front of the local High School cheerleading squad.
Scorpio (October 23rd - November 21st)
You begin next week with the faint hope in your heart that something fun will happen to you, but unfortunately said hope will crash on the inside of your ribs when the week is spent doing the same old boring shit and the only things you end up doing are work, sleep, eat and watch reruns of Jay Leno. No lucky numbers. Just forget about it.
Sagittarius (November 22nd - December 21st)
Joy will take over and with old man Liqour at your side no strings will bind you. You will become a well known face in all your local watering holes and never go crawling back to your home until the small hours of the morning. You will get a reputation for being "the local bum", or as you prefer to call it "party animal".
Capricorn (December 22nd - January 19th)
You're a lucky sonofabitch these days and happiness seems to be smiling at you in every step you take. You're walking proof that if you smile at the world, the world will smile at you. Lucky numbers are 1 and up.
Aquarius (January 20th - Febuary 18th)
This week goes down the drain for you and you can truthfully start calling yourself Mr. Oaf Klutz because nothing seems to be going your way and you make one horrendous mistake after another. But not to worry, there's always next week...
Pices (Febuary 19th - March 20th)
Unexpected psychic powers arise in you this week and you will spend your days with many of history's greatest people. But your joy will be abruptly cut short when you are institutionalized after translating all of the week's tv programs into german for your friend Hitler, who was sitting beside you.
Tha tha tha that's all, folks!
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There is this guy I am familiar with and his girlfriend is currently with child. After having the extreme misfortune of finding myself in conversation with this cat during a recent barvisit, I started to wonder; what in the hell does his girlfriend see in him? This guy makes Clint Eastwood look happy and sociable. Now I am a world loathing sad sack, this I know. But I don't have anything on this guy! Despite my many declarations about hating life and just about everything else, I am still a friendly person who likes to laugh. This guy... well, lets just say he dines on the other end of the happy table. The memory he left me with on Sunday was as precious as it was endearing when he referred to me and a couple of friends as "whores" because we made the grave error of being seen speaking to a few people of the penis persuasion. No matter who is talking to this man, be it his very best friend or his mortal enemy, he has the same attitude (can briefly be summed up as: I HATE YOU) and demeanor towards them. So naturally, my foggy mind started to try to work out what his rather sweet little girlfriend sees in him. By any stretch of the imagination, this behavior can not be considered attractive in any way. And then it hit me. She likes him simply because he likes her. Being liked by somebody who generally hates everyone and their entire bloodline must speak volumes about your own merit and likeability. Being able to make someone who seemingly would rather slurp rancid tuna salad out of his own ass than spend a moment with another breathing human being want to lay down and sleep next to you every single night must be a rush. He hates everyone but he loves me and therefore, I rule. It's so simple and means so much more than being loved by an actual fun and likable person.
After coming to this conclusion I've decided to change my ways. I too wish to become a living, breathing pain in the backside and make everyone around me sense my undulled hatred towards them at all times. And when I've accomplished this, I figure I can take my pick of any man alive. I'll laugh at his jokes and his jokes alone and bada bing, bada boom... I've mated for life with an irresistable, yet slightly deceived, partner. It's all so simple. Just so simple...
Now, before I sign off and retreat back to my lair I want to make it very clear that I am sorely disappointed in you readers. You are losing all credibility as internet geeks and my affection for you has slowly started to wear off. You must make your presence here known by signing the guestbook with little comments every time you stop by or I shall be motivated to write no more. Let this be a warning to you!
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I wonder whether I could be by any stretch of the imagination be considered "normal". Tell me, did any of you worry about getting grey hair at the age of 20? False teeth? Hunchback? Wrinkles? I ask you, am I abnormal for worrying about these things? Of course I haven't yet resorted to any methods to try to prevent Father Time from catching up with me and molding me into the wrinkled ball of bedpan breath I am bound to wind up as. Fuck prevention in the ear, I say! It's inevitable and therefore I shall not try to avoid it but rather embrace it and freak out over it for years to come. I spent Wednesday morning, or rather misspent, babysitting my nephew. Or at least the formation of fiery evil I have come to know as my nephew. You know what he said to me? The ingrate looks me straight in the eye and says, rather sweetly with a razor tounge, "Mia. I don't think you're old at all". Just out of nowhere like that. THEN WHY BRING IT UP, KIDDO? NO BREAKFAST FOR YOU! EVER!!! I admit you need to be a person of a certain disposition to obsess over old age at 20. Sadly, I am of that disposition. I will say this though. I have never in my life felt quite as old as the eve I stupidly stumbled into a movie theater and sat down to "enjoy" Austin Powers 3: Goldmember. While bursts of laughter echoed through the full auditorium, I was unable to ignore the silent question being set forth in my head. "What in the holy hell am I doing here?". I don't think I need to state any further that I was left entirely unamused by said movie. I realised I had walked into a movie that nobody over the age of 10 had gone to see and now I was sitting in a room full of 8 year old boys laughing at pee jokes. You can imagine the bewildered look on my face when the lights came on, post-torture, and I realised I was most likely the youngest person in there. It then dawned on me that you really are only as old as you feel. Unfortunately for me, I happen to be 100 years old and aging rapidly in a crowd of 30 year olds going on 5. I have never been entirely sure whether I hated life more before or after aforementioned epiphany.
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Well, I hope everyone out there is being careful these days with all the accidents floating around. I myself am torn between leaving the house and staying in because they say most accidents happen in the home, but I am fearful that should I venture into the great outdoors, living in such close proximity with a US military base that has a helicopter squadron, a helicopter or two will come crashing down on my head before I so much as get out of the driveway. Amazing how many helicopters have been accidentally crashing, ever notice that? I for one feel a whole lot safer knowing they weren't shot down in the war. It just gives me so much more reassurance to know that there are blind retards flying aircrafts above my head, crashing them left and right. Thankfully these helicopters haven't landed on anyone however, that would really be ghastly. Must be so comforting for the Iraqi people to know that the US Military only ever harms themselves. And they say chivalry is dead! (well, the rate they're going...I'd say it soon will be!)
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