Well, my dear readers. As you well know I have nothing but your very best interest at heart, physical as well as spiritual. I have through scientific methods like you have never seen before created a horoscope like no other. This horoscope is not to be taken lightly but to be interpreted and believed in like it were gospel, and most importantly it is supposed to be read, you bunch of lazy ingrates!
Aries (March 21st - April 19th)
You decide to go out and say goodbye to whatever final remains of the winter's snow you may find and rekindle old memories of youthful tomfoolery. You'll make one snowman after the other and then hang off the back of the schoolbus, not stopping for anything until you're laying in bed with a bad case of pneumonia.
Taurus (April 20th - May 20th)
At the beginning of next week you will gain an unbelievable amount of money. You have big plans for the cash but as is common with millionaires, you will go insane and lose yourself in endless plastic surgery. Lucky numbers are 16 - 39 - 12 - 18 - 23 and the bonus number is 7.
Gemini (May 21st - June 20th)
The week ahead is dark and dreary and there seems to be no end to the disaster that will be showered upon you. On the bright side however, things couldn't possibly get any worse.
Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd)
You will meet the love of your life around the middle of next week, but unfortunately it's not of the opposite sex. Be careful not to fall for overused cliches about love. Love may be blind but society isn't. Prepare to be ostracized!
Leo (July 23rd - August 22nd)
Your friend decides to surprise you and takes you to Argentina where you two dance countless nights away dancing a passionate tango underneath a bloodred south american sky. The highlight of your trip however is when you are unexpectedly made president of the country, holding your position for a total of 20 minutes.
Virgo (August 23rd - September 22nd)
You begin preperations for a new christmas album this week which you plan to release. You team up with Kenny G and he assists you in recording rather pitiful versions of famous christmas jingles. Happy birthday Jesus, hope you like crap!
Libra (September 23rd - October 22nd)
Next week will be a week of uncontrollable passions in your life and your friends will fall prey to your animal instincts. The last straw is when you get caught red handed tearing your clothes off in front of the local High School cheerleading squad.
Scorpio (October 23rd - November 21st)
You begin next week with the faint hope in your heart that something fun will happen to you, but unfortunately said hope will crash on the inside of your ribs when the week is spent doing the same old boring shit and the only things you end up doing are work, sleep, eat and watch reruns of Jay Leno. No lucky numbers. Just forget about it.
Sagittarius (November 22nd - December 21st)
Joy will take over and with old man Liqour at your side no strings will bind you. You will become a well known face in all your local watering holes and never go crawling back to your home until the small hours of the morning. You will get a reputation for being "the local bum", or as you prefer to call it "party animal".
Capricorn (December 22nd - January 19th)
You're a lucky sonofabitch these days and happiness seems to be smiling at you in every step you take. You're walking proof that if you smile at the world, the world will smile at you. Lucky numbers are 1 and up.
Aquarius (January 20th - Febuary 18th)
This week goes down the drain for you and you can truthfully start calling yourself Mr. Oaf Klutz because nothing seems to be going your way and you make one horrendous mistake after another. But not to worry, there's always next week...
Pices (Febuary 19th - March 20th)
Unexpected psychic powers arise in you this week and you will spend your days with many of history's greatest people. But your joy will be abruptly cut short when you are institutionalized after translating all of the week's tv programs into german for your friend Hitler, who was sitting beside you.
Tha tha tha that's all, folks!
