People, people....calm down. Your spiritual guide has returned from internet banishment due to medieval internet connection to give you the skinny on recent developments and entertain you senseless with rather insensible ramblings. They'll have to be ramblings rather than an actual commentary on my life, because the latter would bore even the most enthusiastic tweaker to tears in a heartbeat.
Finally made it to church on Sunday. They put me in the crying baby corner, which suited me fine because nobdoy heard the howling laughter errupting from my elegant and ladylike frame throughout the sermon. I walked out feeling somewhat cheated however after being given water instead of wine for sacrament. I ask you, can't they bring Jesus in to fix this? Isn't fixing this exact problem precisely what he's famous for, aside from the walking on water and healing the sick thing? You'd think people who spend half their damn days talking to the man would get around to asking him for this small favor. I'd ask him myself, but after having repeatedly tried to pray in order to get a hold of him, I've come to realise he's not talking to me. Hmm, something I did perhaps?
Also, they served me said water in a shotglass. I find the temptation of switching this water for vodka almost overpowering. I think they'd quickly realise whodunnit though, seeing as I stick out like a sore thumb in there, being the only person in the church wearing clothes that were made this century. I have a feeling it will stay that way, too. I don't care if I do let them dunk me into their holy swimming pool, I refuse to walk around wearing something that looks like a racing bike costume for serial killers. There is no way I'm buying that God, a supposedly all-knowing, all-good creature, ordered these poor people to give up anything resembling a fashion sense and end up resorting to walking around wearing these hideous creations.That's just plain cruel and I have to say, God must have better things to do than nitpick as to what people are wearing. I mean, please. I know the church wants to control everything, but when it comes to making people wear jesus jammies underneath their underwear so it never touches the skin I have to say they've gone a bit overboard.