Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to sit around and get paid to do nothing.  I have done everything I can possibly think of doing here at work at least twice today, snuck home and took a two hour nap, took an hour for lunch, spent an hour reading Sophie's World and I still have another hour to kill. It has to be said, I love this job. Praise Jeebus for this blessing. Long live idle hands! Hip hip hooray!!

Watch my ass get fired tomorrow just because I was boasting so much here. No one likes a Braggy-Betty!

Does anyone else have these lofty visions of how everything is just going to "change" and you're going to become this wholly other person when some one new thing comes along? Like you get a new job, for instance, and in your head you're all of a sudden much prettier and you envision yourself losing all your excess weight and all your problems being solved instantly and automatically and you have all kinds of fabulous clothes all of a sudden and your car looks much better in your head than it actually does. Am I the only one who ever does this? If I am, I take it all back. I never do that.

Heidi says I'll probably be her maid of honor when she gets married. She has no idea how brutally I am going to hold her to that. I've already told her I'm singing Mystikal's Shake Yo Ass in her honor on the special day. I think it's safer than actually giving a normal speech after watching my rather crazy cousin fall flat on his face in that regard at his brother's wedding last year. Lawd Almighty! He stood up and droned on incoherently for what seemed like an eternity about basketball in some bizarre accent that he adopted for the occasion (he had to speak english because my cousin was marrying a Japanese girl) that sounded like those Talk Boy gadgets of old when you put them on slow. He then concluded the speech by asking everyone to raise their glass to congratulate the "bride and broom". Were I at best a semi-decent person I would've felt bad for him. Instead both me and my brother as if on cue fell forth onto the table and giggled ourselves silly. And for that I KNOW I have some seriously bad speaking-at-weddings Karma built up, waiting for me to walk into it's trap with a bloodthirst that only Karma possesses. Therefore, to protect my dignity and untainted reputation, I shall stick to rapping about asses. Makes sense, no?

Q: Why do you have to take two mormons on fishing trips?
A: If you take just one, he'll finish all your beer.

Mormons will get that one.

No mormons read this but me.

I got it.

Ha. Ha. Ha.