I've been wondering a lot lately about what it really means to be happy. How does one become happy? I've been trying to put my finger on what it is that I want to do with my life, and failing that I cannot possibly get paid great money for doing absolutely nothing, I think I’ve narrowed it down to a certain field that I care to work within. But the funny thing is, I can’t really see myself being happy doing "a job". Not really happy. The kind of goofy happy that makes life seem effortless and worthwhile and the 5th flat tire of the month is a hilarious mishap and not a reason to go hang yourself.

It's an embarrassing thing to admit, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I've always envisioned myself as "a star". And I don't mean a rockstar (necessarily), but just someone who is better than everyone else at what they do and has the unchallenged adoration of the world for it. I'll go out on a limb here and say that this is probably not an uncommon fantasy to carry around in the back of your mind somewhere. What is the true measure of success, if not the adoration/envy of others? Can you really be successful if no one gives a shit? If a tree falls down in a forest and there’s no one around to hear it, did it make a sound? Catching my drift? Ok.

But when you think about, how many people have that kind of adoration? I mean granted, the number is probably quite high but when you put it next to the number of other people who aren't stars in their own right, it begins to look pretty low. There's a reason why they call it Average Joe. But how happy is Average Joe? Is anyone really, truly content with being mediocre? Is everyone truly resigned to the average life or are we all secretly hoping to break away and becoming extraordinary?

Happiness is allegedly not about having what you want, but wanting what you have. In other words, the happy might very well be the masters of self deprivation. I don’t understand how working as a bank clerk in a small town for 40 years gives anyone true fulfillment. Do these people, these invisible wheels of society, really feel happy or do they just not think about it? It's probably better not to, I'll give you that. But is happiness really only the one begotten child of a poor imagination? I tried to raise a similar issue with people I know from my church awhile back, and I got some spiel about money not lasting beyond the grave and how temporal blessings don't really mean anything for that reason and how family, children and the gospel are the true blessings in this life. And that's all very well, but that touches on what I said before, about the happy being masters of self deprivation. Or to quote Sinead O'Connor, "I do not want what I haven’t got".

The thing is, I consciously KNOW all of these things. Happiness is a state of mind, seek fulfillment from within and not from the outside world, the only person whose respect you truly need is yourself, material things are not the true measure of success.... And I could light up a bong, twist myself into some complicated yoga pose and tell myself this all the doo da day, but I don't think it would change anything in the end. To me, these are just little catchphrases that I can recite to help myself accept the fact that I’ll never be a "star". They're self-deprivation crutches. Average Joe's spiritual training wheels.

Now were I to feel compelled to reach some sort of halfassed conclusion on this, I guess the key is to accept what you've got and learn to love it. But is acceptance really the same as surrender? But if you don't surrender, who the hell are you fighting with? And is it worth it in the end? Isn't fame and adoration at the end of the day something that happens outside of your own being and person and not something tangible that you really feel? Does anyone feel famous and adored on that level, even if they are? Don't they just feel hounded and ridiculed, but just as ordinary as everyone else? How many questions have I asked in a row now? Do you think it's time to stop now? So do I. Or do I?