Ladies and gentlemen of the north, south, east and west. Hear the words of my mouth!

I don't know why I keep getting caught up in this "life partner" nonsense. The last thing I want right now, is a "life partner". I think the thing is I just want my choice of available life partners were I to lose my marbles and decide mating up would be a good idea, I just want others to want me as their life partner. That's it. I keep getting caught up in this whole ideal that we're all supposed to want the same things in life. We're all supposed to head for the same goal and goshdarnit, I should be looking for a "life partner".

Had I not lost my two potential "life partners" of last year, hmm, lets see where I'd be. I'd either be on the doorstep of a brilliant career as a cashier at some Wal-Mart in the middle of nowhere or I'd be somewhere in Utah getting the preverbial shit beaten out of me most likely three times a day. The beating up thing is unproven, of course, but I have my theories as to how that relationship would have played out had it developed to the "life partner" level. Call me crazy.

So boy, did I miss out, huh? Running away from my real life to join the friggin' mormon circus would have just been IDEAL in the long run, every little girl's dream.

I really need to start learning how to seperate what I want from what I'm just being told that I want. I get bored with my life, so I decide that I am just going to start living somebody else's life instead. And halfway there, I realize that I can't do that either and I end up leading some kind of no-man's-life instead, not willing to sort my own mess out but unsure of whose shoes to shove myself into instead.

I had decided a few months ago that a good mormon man in Utah (of all god forsaken places, good lord) and a nice, stable household would just be IT for me. My goal. And I would have six or seven children, because that's of course my goal being as child loving and generous as I am. Ahem. I wouldn't have a job of my own but rather spend my days rearing these children, who are the future, teaching them to be good little mormons like mommy and daddy for "time and all eternity" (mormon catchphrase alert). And why mormon guys? Because they would be easy to ensnare. They get married without batting an eyelid, just as ready to live some pre-packaged bullshit life as I was. They've had a roadmap for life imprinted in them from an early age, so when they reach a certain age, i.e 21 they are out on the prowl to look for some random girl to settle down with. How perfect. How convenient. No more annoying mating games, no more fear of rejection.
This way, I would never have to face my own life, live up to my own ambitions, rely on myself, my skills or talent (however limitedly supplied) or do any goddamn thing other than what I was told. What a relief, what a release from responsibility. But is it what I really want? Of course not.
Honestly, I just thank God I am such a screw-up that my hairbrain schemes tend to crumble before my very eyes before I can actually complete them successfully.

Oh well. My eyes are open now and staring straight ahead at the actual goal I need to acheive for myself, mormon bullshit drama notwithstanding. Zoinks! Another avoidance plot foiled again! I almost probably won't try to pull a stunt like this again.

You live, you learn.

Well... You live.